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Coping with Fertility Treatment
If you’re having a hard time coping with infertility,
you’re not alone. Research has shown that the psychological
stress experienced by women with infertility is similar to that of
women coping with illnesses like cancer, HIV, and chronic pain.
Infertility is not an easy disease to cope with.
To make things worse, you may hear from friends or family that your
anxiety is causing the infertility. But this is not true. While
researchers once thought that stress caused infertility, more recent
studies do not make this connection.
Emotional Impact of Infertility
The whirlwind of emotions that infertility brings can feel
overwhelming. Sometimes knowing that your feelings are normal can help.
Some of the feelings you may experience include:
Loss: You may feel a sense of loss for the child or children you imagined having one day.
You may also feel that you’re missing out on the experience of parenthood or the act of having a biological child.
Anger and jealousy: You may feel angry at life in general. You may also feel angry or jealous that parenthood seems to come easily to others.
Denial: You might tell
yourself that you just know next month will bring a positive pregnancy
test, and then, when it doesn’t, feel a huge sense of sadness and
shock.
Shame: Women may feel
that a diagnosis of infertility makes them less feminine, while men may
feel that a diagnosis makes them less masculine. You may also feel that
you are somehow less of a person if you can’t have a child on
your own.
Lack of Control: You may feel a lack of control, knowing that there is nothing you can do to guarantee or know if treatments will work.
Marital or Relationship Stress
Infertility can also put stress on your relationship, with studies
showing that couples dealing with infertility are more likely to feel
unhappy with themselves and their marriages.
Infertility may affect your relationship in a number of ways, including:
Sexual tension: Especially around ovulation, sex may feel more like a
chore than an enjoyable way to express love for each other. Men may
experience performance anxiety, leading to feelings of guilt or shame.
Financial stress:
Fertility treatment costs can quickly add up. Everything from deciding
how much you’re willing to pay, to coping with the financial
strain or debt, can create a great deal of stress between couples.
Fear of abandonment:
Especially for the partner with the infertility diagnosis, he or she
may be afraid that their partner will want to leave them to have
children with someone else.
Arguments about treatments:
Deciding which treatments or options to try, when to stop seeking
treatment, or when to take a break can put tremendous strain on a
couple.
Ways to Cope
With the myriad of feelings surrounding infertility, good coping skills
are essential. Here are a few tips to help manage and lower the stress
of infertility:
Acknowledge your feelings: Holding everything inside does not help. It
actually takes more mental energy to hold your feelings back than to
express them. Allow yourself time to feel the sadness, anger, and
frustration.
Seek support: Whether
through friends, professional counseling, groups, or online forums,
finding somewhere to talk with people who understand can help you feel
less alone.
Practice relaxation:
Learning how to relax and calm yourself can help when feelings get
intense and during treatments. Acupuncture, yoga, and relaxation
techniques are all possible ways to cope.
Talk to your partner:
Talk about your feelings together. Keep in mind, though, that men and
women cope with stress in different ways. Women are more likely to
express their sadness, while men tend to hold things inside. Neither
way is wrong, just different.
Learn as much as you can:
The more you know about infertility, including alternatives like
adoption or living child-free, the more in control you will feel.
Don’t let infertility take over your life:
Make sure you fill your life and your relationship with other things.
If it seems like infertility is all you talk about together, set a
specified time each day for the topic, and use the rest of the day to
talk about other things.
Keep sex fun: As
mentioned above, sex can quickly become more like a chore, than a fun
way to express love for each other. Try to keep things loving and
exciting. Light candles, play fun music, or watch romantic movies,
whatever makes you both feel good.
Consider professional help:
Many couples find that professional individual or couples counseling
can help them cope with the emotional stress of infertility, and some
fertility clinics insist that their patients seek counseling before and
during treatment.
If you find yourself feeling constantly sad or anxious, not sleeping
well or oversleeping, feeling completely isolated, or having thoughts
of death and dying, then it is especially important that you speak to
your doctor about your feelings.
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